Today I wrote about cookies

(It’s an April Fool’s column, what can I say?)

Siphoned from the exuberant Washington Square News:

Cafeteria cookies are just too damn delicious

New York City’s Department of Health and Mental Hygiene isn’t the only institution taking issue with NYU’s dining halls: The masses have spoken, and those cookies at Hayden Dining Hall may just be TOO delicious.

The whole cookie ordeal is just so smug and presumptuous anyway. Some kind-looking lunch lady extracts a massive tray laden with the gooey delights from an oven (an oven that may as well be the forge of Hephaestus himself, given the sumptuous treasures it produces), piles them onto a plate and just walks away like she doesn’t even realize the hysteria unleashed by their presence.

“And what?” she spurts, as kids nearly kill themselves in a mad dash for the heavenly baked goods.

It’s not responsible. I’m told, by a source close to the situation, that the recipe for these chocolate chip cookies (if we are to believe that these are truly so simple a creation) was originally funded by the United States government in an effort to create real-life Powerpuff Girls for use in “Operation Enduring Freedom.” After a few failed trial runs, the formula faced minor tweaks and is now used to fatten NYU students.

Still (and this is the honest-to-goodness truth), the ingredients are G-14 classified (a designation made famous by Chris Tucker in NYU alumnus Brett Ratner’s seminal film “Rush Hour”), and lesser reporters than myself have found themselves slaughtered and turned into “Mondo Meatloaf” for merely asking the wrong questions.

The fiasco, unbelievably, has gone unabated; the administration turns a blind eye to this dangerous dessert, and students refuse to probe Hayden Dining Hall, too placated by the warm, viscous chocolate avalanching down their throats. Here are the hard facts: People get their feet stepped on as often as once every few weeks attempting to access the cookie plate; many have testified that they feel “unable to stop with just one;” and each one has, at the very least, a bajillion calories.

What is wrong with those vegan peanut butter cookies that taste and feel a little bit like a piece of sidewalk chalk rolled around in some dirt? They are healthier, don’t incite conflicts among peers, don’t dribble goop all over your fingers and have the added benefit of steering NYU society away from fattening dessert foods. I mean, they are so gross that they could very well turn someone away from any dessert for life, based entirely on principle.

But no. We are taunted by these devilish treats. Today, in a fit of sheer ecstasy, I saw a portly lad strip to his nether regions, sandwich three of the cookies between two hunks of Funfetti and roll about on the floor moaning while ravenously consuming the new creation. He had to be removed by an NYU Public Safety officer, frosting and chocolate chip molasses running down his curves, crusting into his folds for all eternity — a wailing scar of dessert taken too far.

This is what we, as students, must rise up against: the definitive perversion of our dining hall goods. We found ourselves unmoved by the ultimately tepid sermons of Take Back NYU, allow ourselves to be bulldozed by tuition increases year after year, but here is where we make a stand.

For shame, Hayden Dining Hall. The delicious has gone too far.

Damon Beres is opinion editor (Lord knows why). E-mail him at dberes@nyunews.com.

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