Blurf: a tale of a new kind of toothpaste

Full disclosure: when I moved into my room at NYU’s Alumni Hall from the Czech Republic this semester, the bathroom was already completely covered in mold. It was filthy – writhing, even. Sometimes I was convinced, lathering myself with blessed Dove, that spores were wafting into my limbic system from the caked shower curtain (and so forth). Anyway, I keep my toothbrush in one of those plastic containers meant for 12-year-old girls going to slumber parties and people who spend 20 hours of every day on a Boeing 787, because, you know, the hair grafted to the sink by bodily fluid.

Yeah, so, last night I was brushing my teeth and I kept thinking, “man, this just doesn’t feel fresh,” and I took my toothbrush out and kind of smelled it and thought, “yep, smells kind of funny.” I spat and replaced the brush in its plastic house, only to return to the bathroom a few minutes later with my girlfriend. “Tell me if this smells funny,” I said, pulling the toothbrush out again. I noticed then that there was totally some pus-colored (and textured) goop on some of the bristles and I was like oh fuck what is that? Then I jammed it under her nose and she didn’t really think it smelled funny but did agree that the, well, buttsauce was kind of weird and pretty disgusting, so I placed it back into the container, skeptically, not really thinking much else of it because I am a few different flavors of sleep-deprived.

When I woke up this morning, I noticed, after pulling my toothbrush out again, that there was even MORE foul jelly on the bristles and totally flipped. This time, with a few hours of sleep in the ol’ noggin, I decided to look inside the plastic container and noticed that each side of it was absolutely covered in this shit and promptly vommed myself (mentally, emotionally). Then I brushed my teeth with it anyway because, well, can’t go to an hour and a half of worthless “Research Methods” lecture with 6 hours’ worth of utter ass on my breath, right (the pus-mint combo was preferable according to my five seconds of cost-benefit analysis). Lesson learned, though. Totally bought a new toothbrush from Walgreens on the way to class, along with a 99 cent ruler, because for some reason we spent the entirety of this class (which my grandfather emigrated from Greece for, decades ago) measuring the length of various items on The New York Times’ front page.

AS IT HAPPENS: keeping your toothbrush in a closed container makes it breed hella bacteria, especially (I imagine) if said plastic container is resting near a toilet that sees constant use by two twenty-something college kids. (Also, my suitemate eats his fair share of instant ramen; with each flush, byproduct dust swirls up and, well.) So, I guess that goop was days and days of bacteria copulating in the soup of my post-brushing moisture? Horrible.

Still, the more you know!

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One Response to “Blurf: a tale of a new kind of toothpaste”

  1. nice use of “hella”. I’m proud.

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