Archive for the Journals Category


Posted in Journals on October 21, 2010 by pbiris

But so very, very tired.


Blurf: a tale of a new kind of toothpaste

Posted in Journals, Things to Do in College with tags , , , on April 28, 2010 by pbiris

Full disclosure: when I moved into my room at NYU’s Alumni Hall from the Czech Republic this semester, the bathroom was already completely covered in mold. It was filthy – writhing, even. Sometimes I was convinced, lathering myself with blessed Dove, that spores were wafting into my limbic system from the caked shower curtain (and so forth). Anyway, I keep my toothbrush in one of those plastic containers meant for 12-year-old girls going to slumber parties and people who spend 20 hours of every day on a Boeing 787, because, you know, the hair grafted to the sink by bodily fluid.

Yeah, so, last night I was brushing my teeth and I kept thinking, “man, this just doesn’t feel fresh,” and I took my toothbrush out and kind of smelled it and thought, “yep, smells kind of funny.” I spat and replaced the brush in its plastic house, only to return to the bathroom a few minutes later with my girlfriend. “Tell me if this smells funny,” I said, pulling the toothbrush out again. I noticed then that there was totally some pus-colored (and textured) goop on some of the bristles and I was like oh fuck what is that? Then I jammed it under her nose and she didn’t really think it smelled funny but did agree that the, well, buttsauce was kind of weird and pretty disgusting, so I placed it back into the container, skeptically, not really thinking much else of it because I am a few different flavors of sleep-deprived.

When I woke up this morning, I noticed, after pulling my toothbrush out again, that there was even MORE foul jelly on the bristles and totally flipped. This time, with a few hours of sleep in the ol’ noggin, I decided to look inside the plastic container and noticed that each side of it was absolutely covered in this shit and promptly vommed myself (mentally, emotionally). Then I brushed my teeth with it anyway because, well, can’t go to an hour and a half of worthless “Research Methods” lecture with 6 hours’ worth of utter ass on my breath, right (the pus-mint combo was preferable according to my five seconds of cost-benefit analysis). Lesson learned, though. Totally bought a new toothbrush from Walgreens on the way to class, along with a 99 cent ruler, because for some reason we spent the entirety of this class (which my grandfather emigrated from Greece for, decades ago) measuring the length of various items on The New York Times’ front page.

AS IT HAPPENS: keeping your toothbrush in a closed container makes it breed hella bacteria, especially (I imagine) if said plastic container is resting near a toilet that sees constant use by two twenty-something college kids. (Also, my suitemate eats his fair share of instant ramen; with each flush, byproduct dust swirls up and, well.) So, I guess that goop was days and days of bacteria copulating in the soup of my post-brushing moisture? Horrible.

Still, the more you know!

Aaaand fuck yes:

Posted in Comic Books, Journals, Quickies with tags , , , , on November 16, 2009 by pbiris

DC. February.

Frank Quitely: I yearn to bloat with your writhing manspawn.

Looks like Brucey’s going for a little dip in a Lazarus Pit? But isn’t Batman disembodied and on some sort of cosmic not-death trip after Darkseid blasted him with the Omega Sanction? (Prediction: might this “revived” corpse be nothing but a shambling aberration while the essence of the Dark Knight is still elsewhere, lost in time and space?)

… I love comic books.

Another fuck yes: I’m on the Prague Monitor today. Links here, to an oddly Czech-ified and trimmed version of the original article, but still.

2:14 Beans

Posted in Journals with tags on November 8, 2009 by pbiris

Nothing like Heinz canned beans for breakfast lunch at 2:14 in the afternoon. Such protein.


Beans are a food you can use with anything. Fancy a big breakfast? Beans on toast? With sausage, egg, bacon and fried mushrooms? Yum.

Lunch time? Need something to eat? Beans with your pie? There’s not a better combination.Even for tea, you can have fish and chips and beans! There is nothing you can eat that you can’t have beans with. Also, spread brown sauce on them, and mix it all together, and its even better. You can’t beat Heinz beans!

Are you concerned about weight? Eat Heinz beans!! Per serving (a half can) it’s only 149 calories, add your two slices of toast and thats a meal in just 350 calories. That half can also contains just 0.4g of fat of which only trace saturates.That half can also contains 26.8g of Carbs, of which 9.9g sugars, giving a mix of both long slow energy, and an immediate hit.

The high protein content in Heinz’s beans will help you grow and maintain cells. The fibre content will make sure the rhyme comes true (come on, you know the one!)The only down side to heinz‘s beans, is the salt content. 1.8g per half can is a hell of a lot of salt for one meal. This high salt can cause heart problems such as high blood pressure. However, if you can avoid other salty foods, heinz beans are a great treat for your day!

Thank you, Stig11686, via

Combined with the amount of Queensryche that’s happening right now (a lot), I feel even nearer to my NYU brethren, who once adorned their shower with open cans of black beans, spoons adrift in the steam-blasted remnants, ever pointed towards heaven.

Edit: Christ, it is 8:06 now and I am on my bed, eating dinner (beans), listening to Queensryche. I really need to find something new to do in this town.

Here is something about Prague:

Posted in Journals with tags , , on September 12, 2009 by pbiris

All of the toilets have big bowls, but low water levels, so when you have a dorm packed full of college students slammin’ back the goulash and Pilsner, there is almost always some poop conspicuously slapped about the porcelain, hanging like prehistoric tar or maybe some chocolate taffy, because there are like two toilets for every ten people. The toilet seat in my bathroom happens to be broken, so sometimes you sit on it and it snaps off and you wind up plunging into wild bowel oblivion, never to return; not, at least, as you once were.

I’m in Prague

Posted in Journals with tags , , on September 12, 2009 by pbiris

Enjoying the nightlife, see?

Damon, the stern clubber.

So, I’m going to be writing a weekly column for the freshly revamped Washington Square News about my stay in the Czech Republic (look for it on Tuesdays), getting legally drunk at most hours of the day, and, you know, stuff like that, and as such I would not expect regular updates, per se, but I realize that bloggers have this huge responsibility to put something out more than once every two months, and, well, I’ll try to be better.

Anyway, I do have that column so I don’t want to gab too much about Prague here, but it’s pretty rockin’. You should probably visit it! You can drink beer everywhere. And what better reason is there to visit a foreign country than that?

I do admit that I’d like to acquaint myself with the actual culture a bit more. It’s hard, not just because of the language barrier, but because people here are generally incredibly reserved. They range from genuinely mean-spirited to, well, just quiet, I suppose. I’m enrolled in an international reporting class here, though (surprise surprise), so I’m going to have to start throwing myself out there on assignments in the near future, which I’m excited about. It’s a little easy to get stuck with the NYU crowd. It’s the sort of program that, by its very nature, isolates you a bit in terms of the people you are exposed to. When my brother did a study abroad program in South Africa, it was with a foreign university and he didn’t know anyone; he says this is the way to go. Maybe, maybe not. I’m making a lot of friends (American friends, sure) and having a lot of fun. A success in either case, I’d say.

Alright. We’ll try for more updates in the near future! Stay tuned.

Google: Damon Beres

Posted in Journals with tags on May 27, 2009 by pbiris

Sometimes people arrive here from Google, which is concerning because, well, Googling my name happens to produce things like this, and I’d really rather everyone just see the good stuff, like a 600 word treatise against delicious cafeteria cookies or a number of short, cosmically significant spurts about how much I love my girlfriend (who has, for those keeping score at home, lost a point or two for disparaging my recent eBay acquisition of a Xorn action figure).

So rather than lying awake at night wondering what people will stumble upon in their desperate thirst for more Damon Beres, I decided to cull some of the choicest results and put them here. Because egg on the face is better when it’s on your terms, right? Like, over easy instead of scrambled?

I don’t know.


The aforementioned “preggo waffles” Urban Dictionary definition. Because sometimes, when you’re a high school junior malcontent who isn’t quite getting enough exposure on Xanga, these things need to happen.

(And no, you will not find my Xanga, ever.)

Douchey Blogger profile with lame high school interests. I really just couldn’t get enough No Doubt and Guitar Vader. This Blogger profile will lead you to a handful of my creative writing endeavors from high school, some of which are kind of awesome, actually.

My reviews on Paperback Reader, where I was “hired” as a writer. And by reviews, I mean review. It was a B+.

Evidence that I once entered an online competition to win a comic book. No, I didn’t win.

Evidence, if you’ll look in the comments section, that I used to be one of those Japan nerds in high school. (Also evidence that I used to be really unfunny, which has yet to change.)

Evidence that I’m a cat lady.

A number of angry New Yorkers absolutely carving into my ass on Curbed after my Gramercy Green story got a modicum of coverage in The New York Times last fall. “Oooh, if you read the NYT article and look at the photo of the kid, he looks like Mr. Hipster, Jr. The expression on his face is worth more than his condorm,” and “That kid looks like a total douche bag and his comments to the NYT indicate that, at least with respect to this tool, you can judge a book by its cover” being the harshest comments, I think. (I kind of like “Mr. Hipster, Jr,” though.)

Someone praising (?) me for an involved blog comment about Batwoman and Aquaman. I’m… totally into comic books, guys.

Proof that I’m published in a book that you can buy at Barnes and Noble.

– Yet another collection of my high school creative writing. A promising start to my featured piece: “The hospital smelled like someone pissed on Grandma.” 

Me commenting to Tina Fey that she is “The new Jesus.”

– Perhaps most frightful of all, a short film I made in high school. It’s complete nonsense and I cannot bring myself to watch it again, no sir.

And it kind of keeps going, but you get the gist. Probably, when I am trying to actually make something of myself, I will have to legally change my name, but it’s worth it for preggo waffles. By the time our children reach 20, I wonder how much they’ll have all over the internet, jeez Louise.

So. Anything juicy when you Google your name?


New fiction coming soon on this blog. Not my Deviant Art. Yeesh.