Archive for the Things to Do in College Category

I daren’t ask why

Posted in blast from the past, Things to Do in College with tags on January 31, 2011 by pbiris

But I definitely just vigorously squeezed (and was promptly moistened by) a Trader Joe’s bag filled partially with vomit, which, judging by the last time we emptied the trash heap in the living room, has been sitting in our apartment for at least two weeks, though probably more since, naturally, we place our full plastic sacks of filth on top of the paper ones, hoping, of course, that the Magical Manhattan Trash Fairies™ will take care of things from there.

There has been little, if any, progress in three years, we see, and so we must wonder if the resounding answer to The New York Times’ recent “Does College Make You Smarter?” question is, simply, “no.”


Blurf: a tale of a new kind of toothpaste

Posted in Journals, Things to Do in College with tags , , , on April 28, 2010 by pbiris

Full disclosure: when I moved into my room at NYU’s Alumni Hall from the Czech Republic this semester, the bathroom was already completely covered in mold. It was filthy – writhing, even. Sometimes I was convinced, lathering myself with blessed Dove, that spores were wafting into my limbic system from the caked shower curtain (and so forth). Anyway, I keep my toothbrush in one of those plastic containers meant for 12-year-old girls going to slumber parties and people who spend 20 hours of every day on a Boeing 787, because, you know, the hair grafted to the sink by bodily fluid.

Yeah, so, last night I was brushing my teeth and I kept thinking, “man, this just doesn’t feel fresh,” and I took my toothbrush out and kind of smelled it and thought, “yep, smells kind of funny.” I spat and replaced the brush in its plastic house, only to return to the bathroom a few minutes later with my girlfriend. “Tell me if this smells funny,” I said, pulling the toothbrush out again. I noticed then that there was totally some pus-colored (and textured) goop on some of the bristles and I was like oh fuck what is that? Then I jammed it under her nose and she didn’t really think it smelled funny but did agree that the, well, buttsauce was kind of weird and pretty disgusting, so I placed it back into the container, skeptically, not really thinking much else of it because I am a few different flavors of sleep-deprived.

When I woke up this morning, I noticed, after pulling my toothbrush out again, that there was even MORE foul jelly on the bristles and totally flipped. This time, with a few hours of sleep in the ol’ noggin, I decided to look inside the plastic container and noticed that each side of it was absolutely covered in this shit and promptly vommed myself (mentally, emotionally). Then I brushed my teeth with it anyway because, well, can’t go to an hour and a half of worthless “Research Methods” lecture with 6 hours’ worth of utter ass on my breath, right (the pus-mint combo was preferable according to my five seconds of cost-benefit analysis). Lesson learned, though. Totally bought a new toothbrush from Walgreens on the way to class, along with a 99 cent ruler, because for some reason we spent the entirety of this class (which my grandfather emigrated from Greece for, decades ago) measuring the length of various items on The New York Times’ front page.

AS IT HAPPENS: keeping your toothbrush in a closed container makes it breed hella bacteria, especially (I imagine) if said plastic container is resting near a toilet that sees constant use by two twenty-something college kids. (Also, my suitemate eats his fair share of instant ramen; with each flush, byproduct dust swirls up and, well.) So, I guess that goop was days and days of bacteria copulating in the soup of my post-brushing moisture? Horrible.

Still, the more you know!

Cheese Fridge

Posted in Journals, Things to Do in College with tags , , on May 7, 2008 by pbiris

Someone entered my room on drugs, and they gave us an entire cheesecake. Not knowing what else to do, we placed it in our fridge. In retrospect, we should have thrown the mysterious, narcotic-enabled thing out; we had no intent to facilitate its hasty narf, nor did any of our guests, legion in number, take any particular interest in the frosted thing. As money-grubbing, hobo-like college students, however, it takes a healthy bit of tenacity to simply toss out any respectable amount of food, especially when it’s given to you in such generous supply to begin with. This mindset is more or less explained in this recent WSN article about a dumbass that almost killed himself eating an abandoned muffin.

Anyway, the point is, some fool bastard unplugged our fridge days ago and now the damn thing smells like a shit quesadilla filled with vomit and goat anus. During operation “Throw the demon cake the fuck out,” it struck back against its human masters and excreted some vile cheese juice all over the unit and now there is just this musk of smegma-queef being pumped into my dorm room 24/7 and there is a giant moth flying all over the God damn place and fuck what is that growing under my bed

6 more days. I’ll miss it.

Things To Do In College:

Posted in Things to Do in College on April 20, 2008 by pbiris

Not update your blog.

Things To Do In College:

Posted in Things to Do in College with tags , , on April 9, 2008 by pbiris

With Dan,

– Listen to Mastodon’s Leviathan

Wear a Mastodon t-shirt, featuring Leviathan artwork

– Discuss various literary analyses of Moby Dick, itself the basis of Leviathan.